December 21, 2008

She’ll be ready in a minute

I am impatient. That doesn’t dovetail well with the long lead time my wife needs to get ready to go out.

Does starting the car to let her hear my impatience work? Of course not. She can’t hear it over her hair dryer.

She’s beautiful and when she’s finished “putting on her face” she’s stunning. But I’m downstairs with the car running waiting to get going, like a getaway driver waiting for bank robbers. I’ve been in DMV lines that have moved faster.

She has a drawer for nothing but eye make-up. I’m not making that up. The tabletop of her vanity is as crowded as a-Wal-Mart parking lot the morning after Thanksgiving.

This is a woman who says she’s not very detail-oriented. Yet she can differentiate between 27 different shades of dusty rose-colored lip blush. And she owns them all and knows – among the clutter – just where each one of them is.

She is a woman who agonizes over her choice of shawls the way a fat person agonizes over a dessert tray. Just pick one, they’re all nice.

Nine times out of ten, she allows herself plenty of time to get ready. Deep breathing exercises and meditation help me get through those. That tenth time is rough. Much pacing and eye-rolling and hand-wringing is required.

And when she appears, like Venus on a clamshell, I smile and we go out and have a lovely time. Made all the better because I have a gorgeous woman on my arm.

I am also easily distracted by shiny objects.

December 17, 2008

F1: scoring or boring?

Gold, silver and bronze are convenient ways to measure a single event. I think they are a lousy way to measure progress over an entire season.

The man who owns Formula 1, Bernie Ecclestone, the little garden gnome hisself, wants to change the scoring system to determine a season-long champion from total points accumulated across all races to most race wins. He wants to award gold, silver and bronze medals to the top three finishers and the driver with the most race wins at the end of the season is the World Champion.

Bernie’s theory is that the sole emphasis on race wins will encourage more aggressive driving, more passing and spice up the show. Here’s a better idea to encourage more passing: put a clutch pedal and gear shift in the car. Anyway…

Had the races wins system been in effect this year Lewis Hamilton would not have won the title. It would have gone to Felipe Massa, 6 wins to 5. Except, one of Hamilton’s race wins was taken away and given to Massa by an asinine stewards’ decision. Anyway …

So because I have too much time on my hands, I went back though F1 history to see if the gold-silver-bronze system would have changed the final standings in other years. Oh my yes.

The numbers don’t lie.

1950, Nino Farina won on points but tied Juan Manual Fangio with three wins each. Based on whatever tie-breaker system is employed, the championship may have gone the other way.
1958, our first outright reversal. Mike Hawthorn would not have been the first British champion. He had a single victory. Stirling Moss had four victories. Sir Stirling would have gotten his rightful championship.
1961, Phil Hill had two wins, as did Wolfgang von Trips and Stirling Moss.
1964, John Surtees loses his title to Jim Clark, 3 wins to 2.
1967, Denny Hulme loses his title to, wait for it, Jim Clark, 4 wins to 2.
1968, Graham Hill and Jackie Stewart each have 3 wins. Hill might have lost his second title and Stewart may have begun his title run a year earlier.
1972, Emerson Fittipaldi doesn’t fair well under this system. Both he and Stewart have 4 wins. Stewart could have retired with 5 titles.
1974, Emo is tied with Carlos Ruetemann and Ronnie Peterson with three wins. Emo could have been shut out.
1977, Niki Lauda misses out on his second title to Mario Andretti, 4 wins to 3.
1979, Jody Scheckter loses his only title to Alan Jones, 4 wins to 3.
The 1980’s title roster would not look nothing like the historical record under the G-S-B system.
1981, Nelson Piquet ties Alain Prost with 3 wins each. So Nelson loses his first title and Prost starts his run 4 years early?
1982. Keke Rosberg wins a race. Yeah. But Prost, Lauda, Didier Pironi, Rene Arnoux and John Watson each win two races.
1983, Piquet loses to Prost – again – 4 wins to 3.
1984, Lauda loses the title to Prost, 7 wins to 5.
1986, the tables turn on Prost. He loses his second title to Nigel Mansell, 5 victories to 4.
1987, Piquet loses again. From 3 championships to none. This time Mansell wins, 6 to 3.
1989, Prost loses his title to Senna, 6 to 4.
Then all is calm until …
2005, Fernando Alonso is tied with Kimi Raikkonen with 7 wins.
2006, Fernando Alonso is tied with Michael Schumacher with 7 wins.
… and the aforementioned Massa beats Hamilton.

So what have we learned?
Sir Jackie goes from 3 titles to 5.
Emo drops from 2 titles to none.
Piquet loses all 3 of his titles.
Lauda loses 2 of his 3 titles.
Alonso might be title-less.
Clark goes from 2 titles to 4.
Prost could have had as many as 8 titles.
Nige triples his title count from 1 to 3.
… and Mario Andretti becomes a double World Champion.

All scoring systems are arbitrary. Whatever is used in 2009, it will eventually choose a champion. A season-long champion may not be the same person.

December 16, 2008

NO MORE CZAR or -GATES

An open letter, a plea and a firm admonition to all political journalists:

Next time someone is appointed to oversee a problem, please, please, please, please give them a nickname other than “czar.” It was first applied to the “Energy Czar” in the Nixon administration during the first energy crisis of the early 1970s. Czar or czarina (I heard that this morning) has been applied to every single oversight chief ever since. That’s profoundly lazy writing.

But not as lazy as calling every single scandal, perceived scandal or scandalette as -gate. Watergate, Koreagate, Billygate, Monicagate, Troopergate, Whitewatergate, Burnt Toastgate, Why Don’t You Come Up With Another Name-gate.

Good writers and reporters don’t recycle. They come up with new ways of describing.

December 14, 2008

Heisman Hooey

Last night, Oklahoma QB Sam Bradford won the Heisman Trophy. Good for him.

 

There seemed to be three viable candidates for the award: Bradford, Florida’s Tim Tebow and Texas’ Colt McCoy.

 

But fie on the 14 people who didn’t think the QBs of the No. 1, 2 or 3 ranked teams in the country were worthy. The following players, although important to their teams and, I’m sure, fine citizens and student-athletes are not Heisman worthy.

 

Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech, 3 first-place votes; Shonn Greene, Iowa, 5; Patrick White, West Virginia, 3; Rey Maualuga, USC, 2; Javon Ringer, Michigan State, 1

 

I’m guessing the Heisman electorate included 3 Tech alums, 5 Iowa alums, 3 West Virginia alums, 2 USC alums and a Michigan State alum.

 

Awards are always subjective and half the fun of being a sports fan is arguing/advocating for your side. There will always be obvious oversights and deliberate snubs (1941 MLB MVP: Ted Williams wins the Triple Crown but DiMaggio is named MVP because Teddy Ballgame is rude to the sportswriters who vote on the award.).

 

But the voting privileges of these 14 people should be revoked.

 

 

December 14, 2008

Signing expensive free agents ALWAYS works

LeBron James is talking about playing for the Knicks in two years and the Mets and Yankees just broke the bank for three pitchers… That means it’s time to review the history of NY sports teams bringing in a super-mega-huge-boffo stars via free agency … they are always “the last piece of the puzzle to give them a championship” …

 

Mets: Dave Kingman put the over the top in the late ’70s, just like signing George Foster put them over the top in the early ’80s. The trade for Mike Piazza worked out OK, they got to the World Series though didn’t win, but Pedro Martinez never took them all the way.

 

Giants: trading for Fran Tarkenton and signing Larry Csonkaafter the demise of the WFL ensured the G-Men a place in history with all those Super Bowl appearances in the ’70s … heck even getting Y.A. Tittle ensured they’d be in every NFL Championship game in the early ’60s…. I think Chuck Bednarik took care of that for them…. to say nothing of the following saviors: Norm Snead, Craig Morton and Kurt Warner.

 

Jets: Well they signed Favre and may get to the playoffs. Just like expensive free agent QBs Neil O’Donnell, Vinnie Testaverde and Boomer Esiason won them all those Super Bowls. …

 

Soccer: The New York Cosmos brought in the best soccer players in the world to make the world’s game America’s game… so Pele, Giorgio Chinaglia, Shep Messing and Franz Beckenbauer all become household names…

 

Knicks: They brought in an aging Jerry Lucasand won in ‘73… but also had Reed, Frazier, Bradley, DeBusschere and Earl the Pearl Monroe… Lucas was 6th man… the Knickerbockers did go the finals vs. SanAnton with free agent Latrell Spreewell, and we know how well all that worked out in the long run …

 

Rangers: Brought in The Great One for three years and made it to one Eastern Conference final … they did sign Mark Messier when others thought he was spent and he played for a few years actually winning the Cup in ‘94. then retired … (side note… you know something is wrong with a “winter” sportwhen this sums up your title game: (from Wikipedia) “CBC Hockey Night in Canadaannouncer Bob Cole provided the most memorable call to the Rangers 1994 win, and called it at the final faceoff, with 1.6 seconds to go “” the New York Rangers have done it here ON A HOT JUNE NIGHT IN NEW YORK”") …

 

Yanks: They signed Reggie, named a candy bar after him, and won two World Series… They also fielded a team with Catfish, Munson, Nettles, Chambliss, Lyle, Gossage, Guidry, a young Mickey Klutts, and of course Bucky Dent… too loaded too lose.. During the early ’80s, Ed Whitson brought them so much greatness he couldn’t pith in home games. Later in the ’80s, Dave Winfieldled them to title after title… So, best of luck Messers Sabiatha and Burnett. You’ll have at least two starts before the bricks begin crashing down on you.