An open letter to the people of Earth

Dear Earthlings,

WTF? Seriously. WTF?

Do you guys have any idea of what you’re doing? There aren’t that many Earth-like planets in the Universe and you’re all on the verge of screwing yours up. What do you propose to do then? Ideas? I didn’t think so.

I’ve been around the galactic block a few times and I’ve got to say that y’all (to use your Earth parlance) have a pretty nice planet. You’ve got water, flora, fauna, land masses, cheesecake, biodiversity that is the envy of beings everywhere and you’re throwing it all away.

For what? So more single-occupant vehicles can clog your arterial surface connectors? So you can have more stuff that comes inside other stuff wrapped inside more stuff, all of which has to be discarded? So you can drain the planet of all its resources? So you kill each other at an increasing rate?

Seriously, this is the best you can do? How long have you been evolving? (One of our undercover agents on your planet told us that many of your kind believe in something called “intelligent design.” If there truly was a being designing all that chaos, don’t you think that he would have a) done a better job, and b) designed people so that they wouldn’t poop where they eat, which is essentially what you’re doing to your planet?)

We’ve been watching your planet for a long time, all the while with fingers crossed. Your planet is warming at an alarming rate. Do you know what happens when things warm up? They get hot, swampy, things that can’t stand the heat die, and eventually everything catches on fire. It also smells like Bayonne, N.J., in August. You don’t want that, do you? I didn’t think so.

I’ve been to failed planets. It’s not a pretty sight. Jerzib-Crustaceous 7 used to be a lot like your Earth. You know what’s it’s like now? The closest analogy your species would understand is Houston in summer without the air conditioning, public sanitation, cheesecake or oxygen.

Get a grip, people. You don’t want to end up like the Jerzibbians, fried to a crisp with no water or sense of humor. They don’t even laugh at this joke: How many Jerzibbians does it take to change a light bulb? None, their planet is dead.

You’ve got some time to turn this around. It doesn’t take anything but commonsense and cooperation. Don’t they teach that in Earth kindergartens?

DON’T SCREW IT UP THIS TIME.

Sincerely,
Zorblat the Magnificent, Esq.
Celestial Overland and Master of Parsects 17-22, 24 and subparsects 31a and 32a